The year was 2014, but that’s basically negligible since time is not linear anyway. Besides, there seem to be certain junctures in life. At these points, it is possible to jump to an alternate timeline. This is a subjective perception of mine. These junctures, in my opinion, can be accompanied by high emotional amplitudes. The end of a long-term relationship is often a classic momentum of that kind.
Without recognizing it clearly at that moment, the separation was probably also such a transition from one multiverse into another. I was together with my then-life partner Amelie for about 4 years, and we had learned a lot from each other. She was virtually my current lecturer in the subject “Unconditional Love,” and I completed a Master’s degree with her.
I had already delivered the bachelor’s degree to another good-natured “professor” a few years earlier. By the way, the two faculty members did not always agree on the didactic methods of the other. This should only be mentioned in passing. However, in my opinion, both women had done an excellent job. By the end of my studies, I had learned not to confuse my emotional dependence with love. I had also realized that it makes perfect sense not to put your own needs ahead of your partner’s happiness. This is more difficult than one might think, and Amelie seemed to be my acute test in this regard.
Academic study can undoubtedly be compared to possible personality development within a relationship. Both learning processes correspond in the sense that they go through similar phases. For example, the “getting to know” stage: When you have met someone who can truly teach you something, you usually feel it very directly and impressively – just as with the right book on the first pages, the suitable evening class, or even the right course of study. Something deep inside us resonates, and we feel it.
When the study enters the final phase, it inevitably comes to the final exam. When one takes a course of study in “Unconditional Love” with a partner, it can sometimes mean the end of that partner relationship. It does not matter whether one has taken the trouble to certify the status as an officially married couple or not. If one implements it correctly, then a deep inner bond, at least on a platonic level, remains in the end.
Other people may have managed to have this learning experience with only one partner. It may even be possible to master the final test without separation. This may well be the case. I can only congratulate those who have realized this ideal. As far as I was concerned, I needed different approaches to experience with varying partners of learning.
I certainly don’t want to condemn it if someone decides to have a classic monogamous relationship for the rest of his life. It may even be possible to actually pull off this concept successfully without sacrificing significant steps of self-realization. In a universe of unlimited possibilities, anything is conceivable in principle. For me, however, in 2014, the situation was completely different.
With the end of my relationship with Amelie, I was cured of the monogamous partnership model for the time being. I had tried again for 4 years with such a classical approach and had failed. It was an excellent lesson, but this model simply did not work for me. It did not even result in an engagement.
From my perspective, believing in the concept of marriage was just another invention of the system. This approach had undoubtedly made sense in earlier times to ensure our collective survival as a human race. But currently, we live in a new context – at least in the Western world. Nevertheless, even today, such outdated survival tactics are romanticized and propagated unilaterally by the leading mechanisms of the system. Executing bodies, depending on the era, were either various religions or institutions like Hollywood.
In all eras, influential institutions shaped and subtly controlled collective thinking. The system is like an invisible director pulling strings in the background. Marriage may have been an adequate approach to maintaining social order, but the concept no longer seemed contemporary to me. At least not for reality as I recognized it. It had long since ceased to be a matter of naked survival in my world. Nature was no longer the great challenge but the system itself.
The system is a multi-layered indoctrination program. In it, we are taught many concepts and moral patterns. Some of them we find beneficial, but other templates, on the other hand, seem to suppress our potential. One such program that I find inappropriate is religious marriage, followed by the rest of the mainstream spectrum of relationship concepts between men and women. They all have a common theme.
No matter which major religion, soap opera, or Hollywood Disney love story, they declare an individual to be another person’s property and attach conditions to love. It seemed to me that it would be more of a business arrangement in the long run. But that was not my ideal. I longed for a relationship paradigm without conditions attached to love. But that was hard to find in everyday society, so I had begun to question the system and its interpersonal concepts.
From my perspective, true love should always be free of conditions. This primal force cannot possibly be limited to the relationship with a single person. In any case, I had already rejected this convention for a long time. Hence, I was already looking at many aspects of life from the perspective of the “singularity of all things.” It’s a point of view to which I will come back again and again. Therefore, I wanted to outline this philosophy already from the very start.
From this perspective, love was a force that connects all living beings if one only allows it. In the ideal case, one makes no more difference whom one loves more or less because everything is an expression of the one higher self.
I had not reached that far in my consciousness development back then, but this approach was already actively anchored within my conceptual mind. Acutely, the separation drama of 2014 was for me primarily about mastering an inevitable unconditional surrender and, in the end, also letting go of Amelie. Breaking free of one’s emotional attachments can be a hell of an endeavor.
Whenever the end of a relationship has come, it makes itself known long in advance. Of course, the mind counters and tries to convince you that it’s not time to break up yet. You try to persuade yourself to work even harder on the relationship. Maybe there are still compromises to be found? Fortunately, I had already been through a few more extended partnerships. Among them were the experiences from the bachelor’s degree, as mentioned earlier, which saved me from the fallacy of continuing to fight windmills.
In my previous relationships, I had often realized that at some point in our individual development, we were only getting in each other’s way. Therefore, it was ultimately only sensible and logical to sever the bond. This renewed lesson became imminent for me. Of course, this is not necessarily a piece of cake emotionally. The majority of “Sheeple” is always more willing to maintain the status quo rather than make a clean “cut.”
Sheeple: This is a made-up English word from the context of the Truther movement. It is composed of “Sheep” and “People” – it refers to people who behave exactly like sheep in a flock. “Sheeple” lacks the individual will or is too afraid to express their individuality for fear of the system or judged by their immediate environment.
No question. I loved Amelie. I will always love her on some level, but it became unmistakably clear to me that essential ideas and goals separated us. I wanted her to be happy and flourish spiritually, whether that happened with me or without me. This challenge was the Master’s thesis in unconditional love. I cannot say how pure the intention was in my heart, but it felt “quite acceptable.”
The fact was: her vision of life conformed to a particular socially established blueprint – the usual program, that is: Have kids, build a house, advance your career, and grow old together. In between, they would visit a few exotic places and perhaps integrate a pet – of course, only when the children were out of the woods. At least that’s how it looked at the time. Admittedly, some ideas deviated from the usual path, but Amelie followed the Sheeple Standard Plan.
This socially established template no longer had any appeal for me. Or maybe I wasn’t ready to take on such a challenge. In any case, that was the accusation Amelie often hurled at me. It may be that she had recognized a blind spot in me! Whether she was right, only time would tell. At the age of 31, her internal clock had been ticking for some time, which put enormous pressure on us. Of course, we hoped for some time to find a common point of view. But unfortunately, that was pure illusion.
You cannot go against your own nature, nor can you escape life’s lessons. More and more, I understood what my task here really was. It was, as so often, about letting go of old ideas. I had to find out what could be the best for all involved and act consistently. Ideally, this question should be approached from a universal perspective. By this, I mean a holistic approach in which emotional interference does not distort insight – it is a sober discussion free of personal fears and egoistic desires that usually cloud judgment.
Of course, finding such a perspective is an entirely utopian endeavor. However, one can roughly aim at it as a visionary ideal for the time being and be happy with a grazing shot. I found it extremely difficult for a long time, but I came closer. The difficulty of being objective is that we humans basically act like drug addicts in romantic conflicts. The ideal image of unconditional love, which permanently recognizes the other person’s development as the highest priority first, is not necessarily the schema we were taught by Hollywood. In today’s Western society, the definition of love is primarily an emotional dependence based on passion.
This may sound a bit disillusioned, but that is how it has long presented itself to me. I had already sworn years ago that I would replace this convention with my own ethics. Especially since passion is always what creates suffering.
It was far from me to evaluate the way preferred by Amelies to plan her life in any form. On the contrary! I had long enough run after various outdated clichés of a life plan myself. At times I had even tried to adopt her draft and finally stood idea-less before an undefined quantum field, which represented my future.
The truth was undoubtedly also that my reality was too complex and, from Sheeple’s perspective, far too drifted for a standard concept of life to have been adapted. It would be like desperately trying to put an off-the-rack suit on an obese dwarf with hydrocephalus and expecting him to be comfortable in it.
The big difference between Amelie and me was that she seemed to be less free than I was – liberated from moral obligations, free from the opinions of others, free from patterns of belief and indoctrinated behavior. She was squatting in a mental cage that could not be seen, smelled, or even touched but unmistakably had its constricting effect. It was your own Matrix. Of course, I was not really free of such limiting programs either. However, her cage was subtly oppressive and more tightly meshed than mine. In this context, I always remember the saying of Goethe, who once said:
“Hopelessly enslaved are those who falsely believe they are free!”
Well, in the end, I had one more piece of freedom. I was single again. The separation was very peaceful. Amelie left the shared apartment and sought refuge with an old friend who had greater ambitions than me in every respect. On the one hand, I was pleased that she had promptly found someone who could offer her some emotional support and perspective.
On the other hand, unfortunately, I was equally subject to specific interpersonal patterns that viewed him as competition. My ego was quietly outraged, and my self-worth was bruised. I decided to look at it pragmatically and be grateful that it was in safe hands after all. I never said a bad word about them. My thoughts, too, mainly were benevolent.
Instead of lamenting the perceived loss, I focused on seeing new options, which weren’t long in coming. It is common wisdom about the more delicate mechanisms of life that a new door always opens as soon as another one has closed. In my world of experience, this is absolutely true. I was determined not to fall prey to the often apparent impulses to stare phlegmatically at the closed door or even try to force it down.
Basically, I was once again profoundly disillusioned at that point. The illusion lay in the fact that I had believed that Amelie would become my partner for life. But I was disappointed.
“Disappointment” – what a multi-layered word! It has such a negative connotation in our society. The typical phrase, “I’m so disappointed in you!” is something I think everyone has heard at some point in their lives. It is very unpleasant in its effect and usually triggers feelings of shame – at least, it was often the case with me. Also, almost always, my counterpart – the disappointed person – seemed to be as emotionally involved as I was. Disappointments seem to be the raw material for explosive dramas.
If I remember my youth, I am sure I used this phrase as well. However, I don’t know a specific situation. I only remember that I was rarely really disappointed whenever I used this phrase. The sentence served only one purpose: I wanted to trigger a feeling in my counterpart, with which I was also punished again and again. The manipulated person became a manipulator himself, so to speak. Presumably, I aimed it in most cases to emotionally retaliate against a perceived injury. It is a perfidious form of manipulation via the mechanism of guilt.
But what is disappointment in its essence? Objectively, this statement only shows us that we were always subject to a particular illusion up to a specific moment. In the German language, this deeper meaning becomes more than obvious.
This illusion seems to have suddenly come to an end. The deception has ceased! Isn’t that great? As a truther, I always strived to be disappointed, just when I suspected beforehand that the reality presented to me did not necessarily correspond to reality. Therefore, I prefer an uncomfortable truth rather than a comfortable lie. At least that’s what I imagined, but I can’t say that objectively since we humans are masters in the discipline of self-fooling.
So what does it mean that much of society doesn’t want to be disappointed? I think it shows a particular worrisome pattern. It describes our fear of opening our eyes and realizing that we have been living in an illusion. Basically, any higher realization that revises long outdated beliefs is relegated to an inconvenience with this attitude.
Admittedly, the idea that a disappointed person begins to rejoice at the moment of revelation is also a bit too idealized. It is undoubtedly an unrealistic expectation. Nevertheless, I believe that an acquired fear and subtle avoidance behavior contributes to why much of humanity can never break out beyond a determinate sound barrier of their Matrix. Learning de facto presupposes disappointment, which, however, we fearfully avoid.
Definitely, there were still plenty of residual fragments of such programming in me. Nevertheless, it had become clear to me – actually already felt decades ago – that every epiphany is initiated only by breaking with old concepts or resolving deceptions. Thus, the disappointment that my relationship with Amelie was not the striking “great love” was also accompanied by a certain satisfaction. It could be the inner satisfaction that I had realized something important, even if this understanding was accompanied by emotional pain.
I would argue that the separation from Amelie marked a classic crescendo in my individuation. I learned once again how to let go in this process. Having the strength to separate from an idea is an elementary skill to experience true freedom. In fact, it is an essential part of any creative process. I also practiced the art of unconditional love – even towards myself. Yes, insight has various gifts to distribute. Thus, from the beginning of 2014, completely new degrees of freedom opened up to me again.
At that moment, my life was able to take a brand-new path. Whenever I had a slight tendency to feel negative feelings of loss, I remembered this realization. The resulting possibilities and potentials triggered a certain euphoria in me. It is a feeling of high that only freedom is capable of bestowing.
Understandably, this is a dualistic principle! I traded a piece of tight security for new degrees of freedom—a deal whose general trend in society is more the other way around. However, suppose one has understood that the idea of security, as it is propagated in the western world, is also only an illusion – given karmic or even cosmic regularities – one recognizes that “freedom” is a much more significant parameter. It is a quality of life that needs to be respected and honored.
Even though at this point the events took me a bit by surprise and I was hard-pressed to make sense of them, I already had a very concrete inkling that the period marked an earth-shattering moment. Only with several years’ distance, I understand that I probably shifted on an alternative timeline in these weeks and months.